“Talks to the Bears”
Summary
- Age: 42 (Standard Estimate)
- Role: Head of Communications, Nothing Corporation™
- Personality: Overly polished, passive-aggressively upbeat, deeply rehearsed
- Affiliations: Nothing Corporation™, The Pooh Crew™ (media initiative)
- Episode Appearances: 013 and referenced frequently in PR satire
Biography
Lance is the smiling voice of Nothing Corporation’s public messaging. As Head of Communications, he’s trusted with everything that sounds like accountability and none of the things that actually are. Lance made his name launching the “Pooh Crew™” — a Saturday-morning-style cartoon meant to rebrand interspecies surveillance as “moral guidance.”
Once a freelance journalist, Lance now delivers the corporate gospel from a bulletproof press podium, flanked by four animated bear mascots representing loyalty, transparency, and "good vibes only."
Key Moments
- Launched the “Pooh Crew™” as a workplace morale initiative disguised as children’s television
- Held a live press conference during the Moonshine’s failed goodwill tour, referring to it as “creative friction”
- Went viral for the quote: “It’s not lying. It’s narrative management.”
Role in the Universe
Lance represents the final form of PR: a person so trained in spin, he auto-corrects reality in real time. While Captain Tracy fights for integrity, and Mr. Green exploits the system, Lance reinforces the illusion that it’s all working as intended. His role is not to convince you — it’s to exhaust you into compliance.
Quoteboard
- “Optics aren’t everything — they’re the only thing.”
- “The bears are not actors. They are values.”
- “The ship didn’t crash. It arrived unexpectedly early.”
- “When the message matters, send a smile.”
- “Commander Lance reporting live… from an undisclosed location, per legal counsel.”